ACT I
SCENE 1
Noir style setting. Night
time, rusty bar, clouded
atmosphere.
Bartender polishing a
brandy snifter,
whistling.(simple barkeep
black shirt black bow
tie with personable
attitude)
Man walks in. (Suit with a
loose tie. His face
looks defeated).
Man sits down and the
barkeep silently pours a
Double Shot and leaves the
bottle. The man drinks
it and pours another. The
barkeep wipes the bar
top.
BARKEEP
How's the
"Married Man" racket?
Man tenses, fingers on the glass tighten.
BARKEEP
Sorry. Just
asking, "how's business". Make it "how's
the weather?"
MAN
Business. Weather.
Everything to do with change. Is
that what you
really want to ask about? How often do
you get men like
me at 11 o clock on a Monday night?
BARKEEP
Well honestly sir
you'd be surprised...
MAN
Surprise? What do
you know about surprises?
BARKEEP
What's a surprise
but a secret with an end date?
MAN
A secret?
BARKEEP
A lie. You can't
keep secrets without lying.
MAN
Why? Do you have
some kind of surprise?
BARKEEP
A secret.
MAN
A lie?
BARKEEP
No a secret, I
haven't lied to you, I just haven't told
you my secret yet.
MAN
What's the secret?
BARKEEP
Why should I tell
you?
MAN
What the fuck do
you want from me?
BARKEEP
Just small talk
sir...
Beat
MAN
I think you're
confused. Look I'm the man coming to
your bar for small
talk, you're the barkeep, you get it
you nutcase?
BARKEEP
What if I told you
that this bar is not at all a place
for you and it is
entirely for me. Maybe I'm the one
looking for small
talk eh?
MAN
You pulling my
chain wise ass?
BARKEEP
On the contrary, I
happen to be doing no pulling of any
chain.
Man
rubs temples.
MAN
Oh hell, you're
crazy.
BARKEEP
Was the Taj Mahal
a castle for a king? Were the
pyramids really
built for you to look at?
MAN
Look are you
trying to say you built this place? I
believe the front
says Charlie's, are you Charlie?
BARKEEP
Indeed I am sir.
Built it with everything I had. I do
my own barkeep,
and I even do my own patronage on
occasion...
Barkeep makes a big wink.
MAN
That's swell
buddy. Really fucking spectacular.
BARKEEP
Well... what's
eating you?
Man looks at him like he's crazy.
Are we going to
pretend for another drink or two that
you are NOT going
to tell me or are you going to spill
it out right now?
MAN
You're a real
piece of work.
Pours another drink. Lights tobacco, from a
pipe
he pulls out. puffs in
between words while
lighting.
...Alright...Charlie...You wanna know do ya? How the
"Married
Man" racket really is eh? Alright I'll tell
ya. Don't get me
wrong Charlie, don't get me wrong, I
love this woman.
When I first met her she was the "girl
on fire",
eyes that could knock any man off his
pedestal. A smile
that gives you chills, you know what
I mean doc? A real killer. I tell her
she's my whole
world doc, my
whole world, everything. I tell her I
want to marry her
doc, ME. The only thing I've ever
been married to is
a bottle and a bag of tobacco. But
she put me in my
station. I mean I turned into a real
man around her. My
old man wouldn't know me if he saw
me, god rest his
soul.
BARKEEP
So she changed
you.
MAN
No, no, no, she
made me respect myself, want to be a
better person...I
loved her for loving me and in return
I started loving
myself, being a better man for the
better woman.
BARKEEP
So you married.
MAN
Yeah we married,
it was beautiful, the most beautiful
day of my life,
aside from when we had Charlotte.
BARKEEP
Kids eh?
MAN
Yeah, the most
beautiful daughter in the whole world. I
mean she looks
just like her mother. If she asked me to
give her the world
I would...
BARKEEP
I'm trying to see
your problem here sir...
MAN
I'm getting there,
its not as easy as an abusive
relationship or
adultery this is a little deeper than
that okay?
BARKEEP
..wow, okay, keep
at it..
MAN
Yeah it sounds
great on book, smoking hot wife,
beautiful and
smart child, a loyal dog that grabs the
paper. A lawn to
mow every Sunday after Church.
BARKEEP
You're a man of
God?..
MAN
Are you Barkeep
you wise ass, are you going to let me
finish?
BARKEEP
My apologies sir.
Pours
another drink.
MAN
So one night after
my day at work. I come home and its
a Monday night
which USED to be Meatloaf night. Now
doc, I love
meatloaf night. I love it almost more than
I love my dog. I
fucking love meatloaf night. I can get
a fucking hard on
just from looking at it which is why
I look forward to
it.
BARKEEP
For an
aphrodisiac?
MAN
The sex after
dinner is probably the most rewarding
part of my week...Every
Monday night we have Mrs.
Condamire watch
Charlotte. Can't do it Sunday, that's
God's day, family
values and what not, Saturday we're
too tired from the
work week..
BARKEEP
Are you trying to
tell me your wife's meatloaf is so
good it makes you
hot for your wife...?
MAN
Not just hot, but
out of my mind,
I-could-go-kill-a-deer-with-my-prick-motivated to fuck
her crazy. And doc
at my age and health, that's sort of
an achievement...
BARKEEP
Well what the hell
are you doing here?
MAN
Well that was the
life wasn't it? hard to argue against
that setup, meatloaf and great sex?
BARKEEP
It would take a
mob of men to pull me away from that
situation.
MAN
Well I wish it
happened like that...One night I came
home from work as
usual on a Monday night, giddy as
fuck...
BARKEEP
She didn't make
meatloaf?
MAN
Oh no she made
meatloaf...
BARKEEP
Was it burnt?
MAN
Meatloaf was fine....She
used..fake mashed potatoes...
Man looks like he's going to be sick.
BARKEEP
...Is that all?
Some instant mashed potatoes? I thought
you liked the
meatloaf?..
MAN
ITS THE SET. THE
WHOLE DINNER. MEATLOAF. MASHED
POTATOES. GREEN
BEANS...needless to say the night was
ruined.
BARKEEP
So what has become
of Meatloaf night?
MAN
We don't call it
meatloaf night anymore.
BARKEEP
No?
MAN
No, you see my
woman, my beautiful wife and I have
never before in our lives fought or been so
angry at
each other...I'm
ashamed to say that I let the worse of
me out that
night..
BARKEEP
A man's greatest
weakness is his temper sometimes.
MAN
But never to her,
she's my angel doc. The mother of my
beautiful
daughter...
Beat
BARKEEP
Couldn't have been
the end to it all, you still have
the ring!..
MAN
That's right, like
I was saying we fought and we don't
call it Meatloaf
night anymore..
BARKEEP
What do you call
it now?
MAN
We call it
stranger's night.
BARKEEP
Pardon?
MAN
Well you see, my
wife and I found out something about
our selves that
night. We can be really aggressive..you
know...in
bed...and uh..its...kinda nice..we just never
had the
opportunity to..you know..be...aggressive...
BARKEEP
Oh..I see..
MAN
But when we tried
again the next Monday I couldn't! She
made the meatloaf
night the right way and we just had
regular. It was
like ordering the meatloaf and getting
fish sticks..I
cant be aggressive like that when she's
the love of my
life! And I can't go without good
meatloaf night
either...so we came up with a different
way of things..
BARKEEP
Am I about to be
surprised?
MAN
You see every
Monday night we assume the identities of
strangers and pick
a bar to meet at. A way to you know,
spark things sort
to speak. This way I don't have worry
about hurting my
wife and she uh doesn't have to worry
about meatloaf and
potatoes..
BARKEEP
So no more meatloaf night...?
The man sighs, finishes his drink..
MAN
I'm afraid not
doc... Bye bye meatloaf…
Resumes the sullen look on
his face he had when he
walked in.
A woman in a red dress
walks in and sits down and
lights a cigarette
(seductress).
Barkeep looks at Man in a
"wow" look, man looks at
him and nods "yeah
that's her".
Barkeep winks at man as he
addresses her.
BARKEEP
Can I get you
anything ma'am?
WOMAN
You could get me a
lot of things, mister...but lets
start with a
drink.
BARKEEP
You wouldn't by
chance be meeting someone here would
you?
WOMAN
Want to know a
secret?
BARKEEP
Why, secrets are
my profession.
WOMAN
Do you lie for a
living?
BARKEEP
No but I have a
feeling you have a surprise for me.
WOMAN
A secret.
BARKEEP
A lie. You can't
keep secrets without lying.
WOMAN
But you specialize
in keeping secrets?...
BARKEEP
I specialize in
knowing secrets, not keeping them.
That's a liars
business. I like surprises.
WOMAN
Tell me, have you
been surprised lately?
BARKEEP
You'd be
surprised...so what's your secret?
WOMAN
You see I'm very
quite taken with the man over there..
BARKEEP
That man?
WOMAN
Yes, that man...
BARKEEP
He's been here for
quite a bit, bout to cut em off
actually...
WOMAN
Well lets not let
the opportunity to waste, I want you
to tell him
anonymously that I would be VERY taken with
him if he bought
me a drink.
BARKEEP
You want me to
tell him that, as if it were my opinion?
WOMAN
Yes I do, are you
going to deny a lady?
BARKEEP
No I just want to
add that I really believe you
wouldn't have to
wait long for pretty much anyone to
buy you a drink,
you're quite easy on the eyes ma'am.
I'd buy you a drink
myself if I weren't on the job. Why
him?
WOMAN
Look mister, have
you ever looked at someone... and
found comfort...
in just, in just their eyes... as if
their mere
presence... warmed your entire soul?
BARKEEP
I thought this man
a stranger to you?..
WOMAN
Right right, he
is, he is. I just really like this one
okay mister?
BARKEEP
No problem ma'am..
Barkeep walks over to
the Man.
Quite the
firecracker you got over there.
MAN
She enjoys her
playtime.
BARKEEP
Well she uh..
wanted me to ask you to buy her a
drink...but you're
not supposed to know that..
MAN
Sure. Make it a
gin-and-tonic doc. Heavy on the gin,
add a lime.
BARKEEP
No problem. Good
luck, sir.
Barkeep makes Woman a drink. she enjoys it.
smiles
are exchanged all three
ways between characters. A
couple winks too. The Woman
approaches the man.
WOMAN
So what's your
story soldier?
MAN
Just looking for
some pleasant company...
WOMAN
Oh, is that all
mister?...You have me a little
disappointed..
MAN
Well we wouldn't
want that would we?
WOMAN
What would we want
mister?
MAN
Why don't you come
over to my place and we could find
out together?...
WOMAN
Is there something you're not telling me
mister?
MAN
There might be a
surprise or two.
WOMAN
A big surprise?
MAN
The biggest.
The man puts his coat over
the Woman and they walk
out with that line. The
scene is left with the
barkeep polishing a scotch
glass again, smiling.
(Blackout)
End of ACT I.
