Imagine it’s a
summer afternoon on a country lake. You are fishing on a small boat in
solitude, and the water is so still you feel you can almost walk on the glass-like
surface. As the afternoon slips on without a bite or catch, you drift off in a
calm sleep. Only when the midsummer night’s breeze wakes you up do you open
your eyes. Only instead of the expected arrangement of a summer night sky, you
see all black as if there were an enormous rain-cloud overhead. No moon glare,
no stars, no light to see for miles around. As you try and focus on finding
some kind of constellation, there is a sudden pause in sound and motion all
around you. Then a beam of light shines on you, just you, and for seconds you do
not exist (at least all at once). .. You have been abducted by aliens, but
everything is okay. Under constant vigilance, you will survive.
It’s very
important to keep a cool head the entire time. The process of abduction is
instantaneous. From the moment you are wondering what the shiny lights are, you
are dematerialized and put back together on the spacecraft. Right after you’ll
have four to five seconds to wonder “what the fuck just happened to me?”, and then the common thing to do is freak out.
This is highly not recommended and just plain humiliating to the human race.
Stay calm and don’t panic! You’re not in any immediate danger, you didn’t smoke
some bad reefer, and this isn’t a dream (you’re not that creative) . If you are floating its okay, you’re not dead;
you are in an anti-gravity chamber – This is common with advanced technological
species. Make sure to hold your bladder, zero gravity and urine can make for an
interesting mess. After some of these realizations, it will be
easier to restore yourself to a respectful condition.
If you are having
trouble coping with your current situation, try and think of some positive
assumptions and outcomes: Since they did not kill you immediately, it must mean
there not invading Earth. This could only mean two things: they want to study
you or they want to eat you. The quickest way to tell is when you first see the
extraterrestrials. If they are grey and look like the typical alien, they are
of the advanced and superior species and completely friendly with the human
race as long as we keep supplying them with their weird fetish for cows. Under
the circumstances that they look like humans, they most likely are allies and
will not harm you. In the case of giant-pry-mantis looking aliens, they of most
certain fate will eat you. Drooling is the most common sign of hunger and/or
anticipation of a good meal (you). If necessary, die honorably. Fear and
hysteria will only hurt you in the long run. On second thought, do not over-anticipate
these outcomes for it can cause extreme anxiety.
Cooperation will
be tricky if they are telepathic communicators. They will put pictures in your
head that will confuse you at first but will start to understand them
gradually. When they start sending images of the dairy cow, whatever you do don’t
think about steaks, burgers, or beef in general… Coincidentally, aliens are Hindu.
It would be considered disrespectful to picture a lovely bovine sandwich.
No one likes an
obnoxious prisoner, so don’t be a trouble maker. If you are cooperating
respectfully you will avoid unnecessary sedatives, threats, and needless
struggle. It will be uncertain on how long you may have to be amiable. They
could test you for hours or days. After you are “probed” of all the information
you possess, you will be on your journey home.
Under vigilance,
cooperation, and optimism, grey-men-probing-danger isn't inconveniencing in
theory. If the whole ordeal goes over well they’ll erase your memory and it
will be like they never rocked your boat. Sure, there will be some “sore”
products of the incident, but time heals all wounds and post-traumatic stress.
For all anyone knows, you might have already been abducted.
