Thursday, March 21, 2013

Charlie's



                                   ACT I

                                   SCENE 1

         

                    Noir style setting. Night time, rusty bar, clouded
                    atmosphere.

                    Bartender polishing a brandy snifter,
                    whistling.(simple barkeep black shirt black bow
                    tie with personable attitude)

                    Man walks in. (Suit with a loose tie. His face
                    looks defeated).

                    Man sits down and the barkeep silently pours a
                    Double Shot and leaves the bottle. The man drinks
                    it and pours another. The barkeep wipes the bar
                    top.

          BARKEEP
               How's the "Married Man" racket?

                    Man tenses, fingers on the glass tighten.

          BARKEEP
               Sorry. Just asking, "how's business". Make it "how's
               the weather?"

          MAN
               Business. Weather. Everything to do with change. Is
               that what you really want to ask about? How often do
               you get men like me at 11 o clock on a Monday night?

          BARKEEP
               Well honestly sir you'd be surprised...

          MAN
               Surprise? What do you know about surprises?

          BARKEEP
               What's a surprise but a secret with an end date?

          MAN
               A secret?

          BARKEEP
               A lie. You can't keep secrets without lying.

          MAN
               Why? Do you have some kind of surprise?

          BARKEEP
               A secret.

          MAN
               A lie?

          BARKEEP
               No a secret, I haven't lied to you, I just haven't told
               you my secret yet.

          MAN
               What's the secret?

          BARKEEP
               Why should I tell you?

          MAN
               What the fuck do you want from me?

          BARKEEP
               Just small talk sir...

                    Beat

          MAN
               I think you're confused. Look I'm the man coming to
               your bar for small talk, you're the barkeep, you get it
               you nutcase?

          BARKEEP
               What if I told you that this bar is not at all a place
               for you and it is entirely for me. Maybe I'm the one
               looking for small talk eh?

          MAN
               You pulling my chain wise ass?

          BARKEEP
               On the contrary, I happen to be doing no pulling of any
               chain.

                    Man rubs temples.

          MAN
               Oh hell, you're crazy.

          BARKEEP
               Was the Taj Mahal a castle for a king? Were the
               pyramids really built for you to look at?

          MAN
               Look are you trying to say you built this place? I
               believe the front says Charlie's, are you Charlie?

          BARKEEP
               Indeed I am sir. Built it with everything I had. I do
               my own barkeep, and I even do my own patronage on
               occasion...

                    Barkeep makes a big wink.

          MAN
               That's swell buddy. Really fucking spectacular.

          BARKEEP
               Well... what's eating you?

                    Man looks at him like he's crazy.
               Are we going to pretend for another drink or two that
               you are NOT going to tell me or are you going to spill
               it out right now?

          MAN
               You're a real piece of work.

                    Pours another drink. Lights tobacco, from a pipe
                    he pulls out. puffs in between words while
                    lighting.

               ...Alright...Charlie...You wanna know do ya? How the
               "Married Man" racket really is eh? Alright I'll tell
               ya. Don't get me wrong Charlie, don't get me wrong, I
               love this woman. When I first met her she was the "girl
               on fire", eyes that could knock any man off his
               pedestal. A smile that gives you chills, you know what
               I mean doc? A real killer. I tell her she's my whole
               world doc, my whole world, everything. I tell her I
               want to marry her doc, ME. The only thing I've ever
               been married to is a bottle and a bag of tobacco. But
               she put me in my station. I mean I turned into a real
               man around her. My old man wouldn't know me if he saw
               me, god rest his soul.

          BARKEEP
               So she changed you.

          MAN
               No, no, no, she made me respect myself, want to be a
               better person...I loved her for loving me and in return
               I started loving myself, being a better man for the
               better woman.

          BARKEEP
               So you married.

          MAN
               Yeah we married, it was beautiful, the most beautiful
               day of my life, aside from when we had Charlotte.

          BARKEEP
               Kids eh?

          MAN
               Yeah, the most beautiful daughter in the whole world. I
               mean she looks just like her mother. If she asked me to
               give her the world I would...

          BARKEEP
               I'm trying to see your problem here sir...

          MAN
               I'm getting there, its not as easy as an abusive
               relationship or adultery this is a little deeper than
               that okay?

          BARKEEP
               ..wow, okay, keep at it..

          MAN
               Yeah it sounds great on book, smoking hot wife,
               beautiful and smart child, a loyal dog that grabs the
               paper. A lawn to mow every Sunday after Church.

          BARKEEP
               You're a man of God?..

          MAN
               Are you Barkeep you wise ass, are you going to let me
               finish?

          BARKEEP
               My apologies sir.

                    Pours another drink.

          MAN
               So one night after my day at work. I come home and its
               a Monday night which USED to be Meatloaf night. Now
               doc, I love meatloaf night. I love it almost more than
               I love my dog. I fucking love meatloaf night. I can get
               a fucking hard on just from looking at it which is why
               I look forward to it.

          BARKEEP
               For an aphrodisiac?

          MAN
               The sex after dinner is probably the most rewarding
               part of my week...Every Monday night we have Mrs.
               Condamire watch Charlotte. Can't do it Sunday, that's
               God's day, family values and what not, Saturday we're
               too tired from the work week..

          BARKEEP
               Are you trying to tell me your wife's meatloaf is so
               good it makes you hot for your wife...?

          MAN
               Not just hot, but out of my mind,
               I-could-go-kill-a-deer-with-my-prick-motivated to fuck
               her crazy. And doc at my age and health, that's sort of
               an achievement...

          BARKEEP
               Well what the hell are you doing here?

          MAN
               Well that was the life wasn't it? hard to argue against
               that setup, meatloaf and great sex?

          BARKEEP
               It would take a mob of men to pull me away from that
               situation.

          MAN
               Well I wish it happened like that...One night I came
               home from work as usual on a Monday night, giddy as
               fuck...

          BARKEEP
               She didn't make meatloaf?

          MAN
               Oh no she made meatloaf...

          BARKEEP
               Was it burnt?

          MAN
               Meatloaf was fine....She used..fake mashed potatoes...

                    Man looks like he's going to be sick.

          BARKEEP
               ...Is that all? Some instant mashed potatoes? I thought
               you liked the meatloaf?..

          MAN
               ITS THE SET. THE WHOLE DINNER. MEATLOAF. MASHED
               POTATOES. GREEN BEANS...needless to say the night was
               ruined.

          BARKEEP
               So what has become of Meatloaf night?

          MAN
               We don't call it meatloaf night anymore.

          BARKEEP
               No?

          MAN
               No, you see my woman, my beautiful wife and I have
               never before in our lives fought or been so angry at
               each other...I'm ashamed to say that I let the worse of
               me out that night..

          BARKEEP
               A man's greatest weakness is his temper sometimes.

          MAN
               But never to her, she's my angel doc. The mother of my
               beautiful daughter...

                    Beat

          BARKEEP
               Couldn't have been the end to it all, you still have
               the ring!..

          MAN
               That's right, like I was saying we fought and we don't
               call it Meatloaf night anymore..

          BARKEEP
               What do you call it now?

          MAN
               We call it stranger's night.

          BARKEEP
               Pardon?

          MAN
               Well you see, my wife and I found out something about
               our selves that night. We can be really aggressive..you
               know...in bed...and uh..its...kinda nice..we just never
               had the opportunity to..you know..be...aggressive...

          BARKEEP
               Oh..I see..

          MAN
               But when we tried again the next Monday I couldn't! She
               made the meatloaf night the right way and we just had
               regular. It was like ordering the meatloaf and getting
               fish sticks..I cant be aggressive like that when she's
               the love of my life! And I can't go without good
               meatloaf night either...so we came up with a different
               way of things..

          BARKEEP
               Am I about to be surprised?

          MAN
               You see every Monday night we assume the identities of
               strangers and pick a bar to meet at. A way to you know,
               spark things sort to speak. This way I don't have worry
               about hurting my wife and she uh doesn't have to worry
               about meatloaf and potatoes..

          BARKEEP
               So no more meatloaf night...?

                    The man sighs, finishes his drink..

          MAN
               I'm afraid not doc... Bye bye meatloaf…

                    Resumes the sullen look on his face he had when he
                    walked in.

                    A woman in a red dress walks in and sits down and
                    lights a cigarette (seductress).

                    Barkeep looks at Man in a "wow" look, man looks at
                    him and nods "yeah that's her".

                    Barkeep winks at man as he addresses her.

          BARKEEP
               Can I get you anything ma'am?

          WOMAN
               You could get me a lot of things, mister...but lets
               start with a drink.

          BARKEEP
               You wouldn't by chance be meeting someone here would
               you?

          WOMAN
               Want to know a secret?

          BARKEEP
               Why, secrets are my profession.

          WOMAN
               Do you lie for a living?

          BARKEEP
               No but I have a feeling you have a surprise for me.

          WOMAN
               A secret.

          BARKEEP
               A lie. You can't keep secrets without lying.

          WOMAN
               But you specialize in keeping secrets?...

          BARKEEP
               I specialize in knowing secrets, not keeping them.
               That's a liars business. I like surprises.

          WOMAN
               Tell me, have you been surprised lately?

          BARKEEP
               You'd be surprised...so what's your secret?

          WOMAN
               You see I'm very quite taken with the man over there..

          BARKEEP
               That man?

          WOMAN
               Yes, that man...

          BARKEEP
               He's been here for quite a bit, bout to cut em off
               actually...

          WOMAN
               Well lets not let the opportunity to waste, I want you
               to tell him anonymously that I would be VERY taken with
               him if he bought me a drink.

          BARKEEP
               You want me to tell him that, as if it were my opinion?

          WOMAN
               Yes I do, are you going to deny a lady?

          BARKEEP
               No I just want to add that I really believe you
               wouldn't have to wait long for pretty much anyone to
               buy you a drink, you're quite easy on the eyes ma'am.
               I'd buy you a drink myself if I weren't on the job. Why
               him?

          WOMAN
               Look mister, have you ever looked at someone... and
               found comfort... in just, in just their eyes... as if
               their mere presence... warmed your entire soul?

          BARKEEP
               I thought this man a stranger to you?..

          WOMAN
               Right right, he is, he is. I just really like this one
               okay mister?

          BARKEEP
               No problem ma'am..

                     Barkeep walks over to the Man.

               Quite the firecracker you got over there.

          MAN
               She enjoys her playtime.

          BARKEEP
               Well she uh.. wanted me to ask you to buy her a
               drink...but you're not supposed to know that..

          MAN
               Sure. Make it a gin-and-tonic doc. Heavy on the gin,
               add a lime.

          BARKEEP
               No problem. Good luck, sir.

                    Barkeep makes Woman a drink. she enjoys it. smiles
                    are exchanged all three ways between characters. A
                    couple winks too. The Woman approaches the man.

          WOMAN
               So what's your story soldier?

          MAN
               Just looking for some pleasant company...

          WOMAN
               Oh, is that all mister?...You have me a little
               disappointed..

          MAN
               Well we wouldn't want that would we?

          WOMAN
               What would we want mister?

          MAN
               Why don't you come over to my place and we could find
               out together?...

          WOMAN
               Is there something you're not telling me mister?

          MAN
               There might be a surprise or two.

          WOMAN
               A big surprise?

          MAN
               The biggest.

                    The man puts his coat over the Woman and they walk
                    out with that line. The scene is left with the
                    barkeep polishing a scotch glass again, smiling.

                    (Blackout)

                    End of ACT I.

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